How do I deal with my anger?
Billy Milton - January 28, 2007
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It seems that over the past three months we’ve covered the subject of anger quite a few times so today I want to broaden it just a bit and look at James 1:19-21 as a blueprint for good communication, which would obviously include dealing with our anger. Very often deep rifts in a relationship can be traced back to poor communication. Whether we are talking about marriages, parenting, friendships, business, team sports, you name it, we’d probably all acknowledge that the better we communicate the better things go. Example ESTHER & POUND/PHONE. (I mistook her pronunciation of phone as pound and gave Jon Price a pound to his puzzlement and Esther’s annoyance.)
James, the experienced church leader, gives us wise advice about good and bad communication. Think of it as preventative medicine for relationships. Following these inspired instructions will help us stop relationship sickness before it happens. James calls us to ‘take note’ of this. ‘Pay attention’ James is saying. ‘Listen to me!’
I. Adopt an attitude that helps your relationship.
James gives us 2 principles to follow:-
A. Let everyone be quick to listen.
One of the complaints that a parent often hears from a teenager is, “You never listen!” At this point the parent says, “Of course I did. You said…..” But hearing and listening are two different things. The same is true in marriage. Listening involves not just the syllables and words that come out of my mouth. It
involves hearing the heart.
A person who has truly listened ought to be able to understand the real message that lies behind the words.
Men can be stubbornly bad at this! Prov. 18:13 says, “He who answers
before listening, that is his folly and his shame.”
When we fail to listen, all kinds of problems occur. We
misinterpret, we jump to conclusions, we demonstrate a
lack of respect for the other person.
ILL: Erik Wiehenmayer reached the summit of Mt. Everest on May 25, 2001. 90% of the climbers who attempt this feat fail. 165 had died trying since 1953. That is amazing in itself. What makes Erik’s climb even more amazing is that he has been blind since he was 13. How did he succeed? Because he listened well. He listened for a bell tied to the back of the climber in front of him. He listened for instructions by his teammates who would shout directions to him. He listened for the sound of his pick jabbing the ice to know whether it was safe to cross. He made the summit because he listened well.
APP: You and I will never scale the peaks of our relationships if we don’t become good listeners. There is a husband or wife here today who could dramatically improve their marriage if they would practice listening. There is a parent or child who could enter a new level of love and trust if they would listen. There are brothers and sisters in Christ here today who by listening could come to understand one another and strengthen their relationships. Dietrich Boenhoffer said, ‘He who can no longer listen to his brother will soon no longer be listening to God.’ Let us all be quick to listen.
B. Let everyone be slow to speak.
This is the flip side of being quick to listen. We cannot talk
and listen at the same time.
This implies a thoughtful and prayerful response rather than
a quick, emotional response.
I’ve told you before about a former boss of mine who, when asked a difficult question, would slowly pick up his pipe and make a big fuss about lighting it and then would give you an answer. The pipe bought him a couple of minutes of thinking time. Invariably his counsel was wise. James does not tell us to be silent. He says, “be slow to
speak”. Speak wisely and thoughtfully.
Listen to another proverb, Prov. 12:18 – “Reckless words pierce
like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
How often have I embarrassed myself and misled others because I was slow to listen and quick to speak? There is an old saying that goes like this: God gave us two ears and one mouth that we may listen twice as much as we speak. We need to be like the person who prayed: Lord, help us not to talk too much because talking too much is like driving too fast; sometimes the brakes aren’t good and we pass by the place where we intended to stop. James tells us to be slow to speak.
II. Avoid the anger that harms relationships. ”… be slow to become angry. ” The focus here is on our emotional response to others. We must control our tendency to get angry quickly. James understood that people sometimes do and say things that wound us. When that happens, our feelings get hurt, we get defensive, we get angry. Anger is poison to relationships. We must master it and not allow it to get out of control. “Its just the way I am” doesn’t cut it folks!
We are living in a culture that is increasingly angry. We have road rage, airplane rage, even supermarket rage! We have football parents beating up the referee at a school football match. Nowadays if a child is disciplined at school their parents are more likely to come to the school and abuse the teacher than to reinforce the discipline at home. Am I right, teachers? Compare that to what the Word of God says. Society may say it is OK to lose it and abuse people verbally. God says don’t do it. Our culture is increasingly quick to get angry. God’s Word says be slow to get angry. Does the slightest inconvenience set you off? How do you respond to people at work, at home, in church, on the tube? A short fuse is a relationship killer.
James gives us a good reason why we need to control anger, and this is a serious thing to write. Listen carefully - We cannot claim to be a righteous person and an angry person at the same time. Consider the examples from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount which could very well be the background from which James writes. How did Jesus tell us to respond in situations that might generate anger? If hit on one cheek, turn the other cheek. If a man wants your tunic, give him your cloak too. If forced to go one mile, go a second mile. It’s never busy on the second mile!
Think about the distorting and destructive effects of anger. Anger takes the scalpel of correction and turns it into the axe of criticism. Anger takes discipline which builds up and turns it into abuse which tears down. Anger turns a person inward to the point where the only thing that matters is their feelings and their cause. Far from encouraging righteousness, anger takes us into the arena of the fool. Listen to what Proverbs tells us about anger. “A quick-tempered man does foolish things.” Prov 14:17 “A quick-tempered man displays folly.” Prov 14:29 ”A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension.” Prov 15:18 So, we are to adopt an attitude that helps relationships and avoid the anger that harms relationships. Finally see that James tells us.
III. Accept the Word that heals relationships. (v21)
A. Get rid of evil which is so prevalent.
We must put off, or get rid of, the evil associated
with the sinful life.
I think we all know what moral filth is. James doesn’t mess around here, he simply says get rid of it. Don’t give moral filth any space in your life. Dump it like a stained article of clothing. Make a conscious decision to do it today. TELL OF HOUSEGROUP CHALLENGE – not to criticize, condemn or complain. Dale Carnegie’s challenge.
B. Accept the word …which can save you.
Accept means to receive. We are to put off evil and
receive the Word of God. In
contrast to an angry, defensive posture, we are to
accept the Word of God with a submissive, humble
, obedient heart. I think I would be within the bounds of truth to say that if you cannot control your anger then God’s word has not taken root in your heart.
If you are aware that you struggle in this area then don’t just accept it. By accepting it you are accepting a shallow lifestyle of unsatisfactory relationships. I’ve met too many people around whom others tiptoe because they are afraid of their anger. That’s an awful, delusional place to be. This might be a shock and even an embarrassment to you but I can see quite easily in most people whether or not their communication skills need brushing up on and the sad thing is that those who most need to change, most often have the attitude of ‘like it or lump it’.
Let’s go for some growth this morning. Pray with me if you will.