How We Help Each Other Grow (Session 4)
Billy Milton - March 26, 2006
Well good morning everybody! It’s good to see you. For those of you who are new today – welcome! We are in the middle of a series called ’40 Days of Community’ which has as its simple, central premise that, ‘We are better together’. Today we are going to be looking at the proposal that we need each other to grow better. Growth in all sorts of ways. Let’s look at our outlines. Romans 8:29 says, “From the very beginning, God decided that those who came to him - and all along he knew who would - should become like his Son.” God’s overwhelming desire for us is that we should become like Jesus Christ. The more like Jesus we become, the more we will be growing healthily.
How does that happen? How do I grow spiritually? Well the Bible teaches, us that it is almost impossible to grow spiritually on your own. You have to have other people in your life to help you grow. In fact, look at the next verse, 1st Thessalonians 5:11, I’d like you to read this aloud with me. “Encourage each other and build each other up”. Now let’s say it again, “Encourage each other and build each other up,” 1st Thessalonians 5:11. Now this is this week’s memory verse and you’ve probably nearly memorized it already. Well done!
Well its one thing reading it but how do we do it? Let’s get practical. One simple and powerful thing you can do is this: help others grow by AFFIRMING each other’s WORTH.
Here’s a little secret, if you haven’t figured this out in life, everybody needs affirmation! Some more than others, but we all need affirmation. Its nice to think that what you do matters, or that little task you performed was appreciated. I want to affirm somebody this morning, and that person is…. Doreen Watson! All the ladies here this morning will be leaving with a nice plant for Mother’s Day. Who organised it this week, despite being rushed off her feet? Doreen did and in the process she lifted my load. Thanks Doreen - your behind the scenes work is greatly appreciated. Let’s show our appreciation in the traditional way – let’s clap.
When you and I affirm other people, we’re doing an incredible thing in this world. We are demonstrating love. We’re doing God’s work in the world. God is an incredibly affirming and loving father, and when we affirm people we are showing the world a little bit more about what God is like. But, as I said before, let’s be practical. How do I make the choice to affirm people in everyday life? Well, there’s four ways we can do that and they’re on your outline:
1. You do it by showing ACCEPTANCE. By doing what the Bible says in Romans 15:7 when it says, “Accept one another just as Christ accepted you.” Instead of choosing to ignore people and belittle people, especially those who can’t really do anything for you in return, you make a conscious decision instead to lift people up. By doing this you will make an incredible impact in their lives. And you’ll discover that one of the greatest ways to feel better about who you are is to lift other people up. It gives you a thrill like nothing else.
Now let’s just make this sort of personal. “Who is it that you have a hard time accepting?” PAUSE Have you ever thought about this? God might want to use you in their lives to help them to grow. The fact that you have a hard time accepting them probably just means you’re different. Hard as it is to believe, they probably struggle with you too. And the fact that you’re different means that you can learn from each other and help each other grow. Can you imagine an orchestra made up of only cymbals? Even if they were the best cymbal players in the world it would still be boring. So God has made us in all different kinds of ways, and our differences are what makes the world so wonderful. Our differences are what makes this church so wonderful …and so frustrating at the same time!
The second way to help others to grow is by showing ATTENTION, not just acceptance but attention. The Bible says in Galatians 6:10, “Give special attention to those who are in the family of believers.” Now why should they get special attention? Well, that’s one of the benefits of being in the family of God. It’s one of the benefits of being a part of a church. You get special attention. It’s the flip side of what we looked at 2 weeks ago where it said, “Pay attention to those outside the family.” But this says, “Give special attention to those who are believers in the family of God.”
Why? Because here’s the general principle, whatever you pay attention to is going to grow. If I pay attention to my garden, it’s going to grow. If I pay attention to my kids, they’re going to grow. If I pay attention to my marriage, it’s going to grow and get better. If I pay attention to my work, that’s going to grow. The only place where this doesn’t work is …my hair. The more attention I pay to it, the more it falls out!
Now what is the greatest gift you can give to someone you love? Well, it’s not diamonds and it’s not flowers and it’s not chocolate. The greatest gift of love you can give is focused attention. Did you know that you can affirm people just by looking them in the eye. EXAMPLE OF CHILD ASKING FATHER TO LISTEN TO HER ‘WITH HIS EYES’. And what people want more than anything else is focused attention.
Now listen up guys, because we normally just don’t get this. I can’t tell you how many men I’ve talked to who said, “I don’t understand it. I provide everything my family needs. I give my wife everything she needs. I provide my kids with everything they need. What more do they want?” They want you! They want your time. They want your attention. They want your focus. They want to know that you think they matter, and so they need time with you and nothing can compensate for time. Kids don’t need things. They need parents. They need time, and marriages need time and friendships need time.
Now one of the greatest things that keeps us from doing this, apart from our jobs, is television and the internet. The average person in the UK now watches TV and/or plays on their computer five to six hours a day. Well, it’s no wonder we don’t have time for relationships! It always amazed me when Friends was on people would rather watch Friends than make friends. Now knowing that this is Berkhamsted, I would be able to say that most of you who sitting here are in time-starved relationships. You are. You’re in a time-starved relationship. So let me ask you? Who do you tend to overlook? It’s often the people closest to you. Who do you tend to overlook?
Here’s what I want you to do this week: I want you to look for opportunities to show attention to the people in your life. That could be your family or it could be the receptionist at work or that waiter who sells you coffee. And don’t just wait for it to happen, make opportunities to show attention.
Now here’s the third practical way that you can help people grow. You help them grow by showing AFFECTION. I’m talking about physical touch. Now we’ve all read about babies, and the ‘failure to thrive syndrome’. That means that little infants, if they are not stroked, if they’re not caressed, if they’re not touched as they grow up, they don’t develop. They don’t grow the way that God intended for them to grow. Babies have to be touched. It’s called the failure to thrive syndrome. What most people don’t know is that adults need it to.
I mentioned this a couple of years back in a sermon and most of you laughed and squirmed. But it’s back to haunt you!! UCLA did a study a while back and discovered that to be a healthy, fulfilled, satisfied adult; you need 8-10 meaningful touches a day. You were made for being touched whether you ever marry or not, you need touches in your life in order to grow and to be all that God wants you to be.
Now I’m not going to ask you to get up and hug a stranger but you know – that’s kinda sad that I’m not going to do that. One of the biggest lessons that our American friends can teach us is to be more open with our affections. We are too reserved here – and its not a quality, it’s a failure. We would be a happier society if we learned to be less up tight about hugging each other and so forth. I’d a good friend at college who was Nigerian and, as part of his culture, he would spontaneously reach out and hold my hand. Am I right Bayo? I struggled a bit with that and Karowe taught me a lot about being more relaxed with physical displays of affection. Let’s work on it folks – you might just enjoy it.
Look at this next verse, Romans 12:10, let’s read it aloud together, “Love one another with brotherly affection as members of one family.” Hey, we’re family! We’re all in the family of God. You’re my sister. You’re my brother. Brothers and sisters show affection to each other… normally. You’ve got to show it, not just say it. It’s not just enough to tell people, or say you love them, they need to feel it. People need to be touched, and they need hugs.
Now here’s the fourth way: By showing APPRECIATION. We affirm each other’s worth with appreciation. Now appreciation means ‘to raise in value’. Every time you appreciate somebody, you raise their value to you and to others. When you appreciate your wife, you raise her value. Now look at this next verse. The Bible says, “Brothers and sisters, appreciate those who work hard among you, who lead you in the Lord and teach you.” Now when was the last time, you thanked the Sunday School teacher if you have children. Today when this service is over, before you leave this building, find three people to appreciate. And telling me that you enjoyed the sermon doesn’t count!
>>>> BREAK FOR A SONG <<<<
There’s another way that we can all help each other grow and that is; by PRAYING for each other’s GROWTH. By doing what this guy Epaphras did in Colossians 4:12, “Epaphras,” Paul wrote, “always prays for you that you will grow to be spiritually mature.” That guy’s a hero to me. Look at what Paul says, “He always prays for you.” I don’t know about you, but prayer is hard for me. For me, it does not come naturally. I mean I have to make time. I think it’s probably that way for you too, so it impresses me that Epaphras took the time. He had the discipline to carve out time to pray for people.
But I also love the fact that he prayed for people’s spiritual growth. We usually pray for people’s needs. Health needs and financial needs and so on… and we should pray for these things. But we don’t spend nearly enough time praying for people’s spiritual growth, that our character will change, because that’s eternal.
I think one of the reasons probably is we don’t know what to pray about. How would I pray for somebody’s spiritual growth? Well fortunately, the Bible is filled with verses about how to pray for somebody to grow spiritually. In fact, the next 6 verses in your outline are prayers for people’s spiritual growth and… I’ll tell you what. Instead of me preaching on these, I’m just going to slowly run them through on Powerpoint and I want you to silently think of someone that you need to pray for in that area. Then, later on, steal some time from the TV, say, and pray for them in more depth. Here’s the verses…
Ephesians 3:18-19. “I pray that you’ll be able to feel and understand how long, wide, deep and high Christ’s love really is and to experience this love for yourselves.” Who would you pray that verse for?
Hebrews 13:21, “I pray that you’ll always be eager to do what is right.”
Or how about this next one? Who do you know that needs more joy and peace?
Romans 15:13 >“I pray God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace while you trust in him.”
Ephesians 1:17 “I pray God would give you a spirit of wisdom and revelation.” Who do you know that’s facing a decision?
Or the next verse,
2nd Thessalonians 3:5, “I pray the Lord will guide you to be as loving as God and as patient as Christ.”
Or this next one, who do you know who’s feeling pretty overwhelmed by life?
Ephesians 3:16, “I pray that God may strengthen you with power through his spirit.”
Now I’ve suggested that we go home and find time to pray individually but there’s even more power when we pray together and I want to encourage you to do that in your small group. Small group leaders take note here - Use these verses to pray for each other’s spiritual growth this week.
Now look at the next verse on your outline, Romans 15:5 says this, “May God develop maturity in you so that you all get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us.” Notice that the test of maturity is relationships, not knowledge, but relationships. Knowledge is important but it says that ultimately maturity is the ability to get along with other people. If you have a hard time getting along with other people, it says one thing, guess what? You’re immature. If you’re always worried about other people’s opinions, always threatened by other people, you have an immaturity problem and you need to grow up.
Now there’s a secret ingredient that builds community faster than anything else, and it is this: Number Three: By ADMITTING our own MISTAKES. By admitting our mistakes, we build community, intimacy, relationships faster than any other way. Ephesians 4:25 says this, “Tell each other the truth because we all belong to each other.” Tell the truth about yourself, your fears, your doubts, your hang-ups.
And when you are honest about what is going on in your life and you’re not blaming anybody else for it, it draws you closer to them and them closer to you. Now why in the world would anybody do that? Why would anybody risk honesty? Because it’s not really a big risk. God says there are 4 benefits of being honest about our lives. Here they are:
1) Emotional healing. Emotional healing comes from being honest with other people about with what’s going on in your life. James 5:16 says this, “Admit your faults to one another.” Notice it doesn’t say, “Admit them to the priest or to a pastor.” It doesn’t say, “Admit them to a counselor.” It says, “Admit them to each other and pray for each other so that,” so that what? “so that you may be healed.”
Now everybody really tune in for the next 3 minutes because this is extremely important. There is a big difference between forgiveness and emotional healing. They are not the same. If you need forgiveness for something in your life, all you need to do is confess it to God, you don’t have to tell anybody else. Confess it to God and you are forgiven. But a lot of people after they confess it to God, they still feel guilty; they still feel hung up; they still can’t let it go. They still feel emotionally scarred. They haven’t done this part; telling it to somebody else. God has wired the universe in such a way that emotional healing comes not from telling God, he already knows it, but from telling somebody else who doesn’t know it. That’s where emotional healing comes from.
Now this is not psychological gobbledegook. This is what God says, “Confess your faults to one another,” not to God, to one another, “and you will be healed.” You want forgiveness, you confess it to God. You want healing, you need to tell it to somebody else. That thing that maybe you’ve kept as a secret your entire life. Tell somebody you trust. Remember, “you’re only as sick as your secrets.”
2) The 2nd thing you get when you do this is a fresh start, not only emotional healing but you get a fresh start. In Proverbs 28:13, the Bible says, “Anyone who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful, but if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.” There is nothing that has happened in your life that God can’t use for good, but you have to be honest about it. You have to share it with somebody.
One of the most helpful things you can do in your small group is help people accept God’s forgiveness. A lot of people have confessed to God and God has forgiven them, but they just don’t feel it. Do you understand what I’m saying here? They need somebody to say, “You are forgiven.” You see in your small group you don’t rub it in. You rub it out. That’s why we get together to help each other, to feel forgiven, and sometimes you just need somebody to say that to you.
Here’s the third thing that’s the benefit of honesty:
3) You get God’s power to change. God’s power to change when we admit our mistakes to others. James 4:10 says this, “When you bow down before the Lord,” that means you humble yourself before God, “and you admit your dependence upon him. God will lift you up.” Notice he doesn’t scold you, he doesn’t shame you, he doesn’t put you down. He lifts you up and gives you honour.
4) Now here’s the fourth benefit of honest: Deeper fellowship. Deeper fellowship when we admit our mistakes. 1st John 1:7 says, “If we live in the light as he is in the light, then we have fellowship with one another.” We get fellowship, why? Because in the light, we can’t hide anything. The darkness is where we hide. Now here’s a popular myth: We think that if we are open about our fears, about our hang-ups, about our imperfections, about our secret faults that people are going to think less of us. Generally the opposite is true, people admire those who are honest enough to be vulnerable.
Now let me speak to those of you who have realized that your life is not what it should be – in fact you’re in a bit of a mess. Well God brought you here this morning because he wants to turn that hurt into a healing and then he wants to use you in the lives of other people. And he brought you here because he just wants you to stop denying it and start fulfilling his purposes in your life.
Now here’s the fourth, and final way that we help each other grow: by ENCOURAGING each other’s COMMITMENT. The Bible says in 1st Timothy 4:7, “Keep yourselves in training for a Godly life.” Now how do you do that? How do you stay in training for a Godly life? Well you stay in a small group and you get a spiritual partner; you get a training partner. You know, it’s always easier to work out when you’re working with somebody else. So you get a spiritual training partner.
Now, nothing affects your life more than your commitments. Tell me what you’re committed to and I’ll tell you what you’re going to be in 20 year’s time. Because you are becoming whatever you’re committed to. Your commitments shape your life; and if you’re not committed to anything, other people are shaping your life. I’m sorry to tell you this, but other people are running your life if you don’t have any commitments.
Spend some time this week figuring out what you’re committed to, if anything – its probably one of the biggest discoveries you can ever make. Talk it over in your small groups or with your spiritual training partner. That’s why the Bible says in Romans 1, “I want us to help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me, and my faith will help you.” We grow better together.
You were put on this planet for 5 reasons, and the purpose of this church is to help you fulfill those 5 purposes, and to help you make and grow in the 5 basic commitments of life. So let’s just review them as we close.
God want you to…
- 1. Commit to love Jesus Christ. That’s called worship.
- 2. Commit to love other believers. That’s called fellowship.
- 3. Commit to grow in God’s Word; this is called discipleship.
- 4. Commit to serving in ministry. God gave you some talents, some abilities, and he didn’t give them to you for your benefit alone. He gave them to you to bless the world. Any time you use your talents to help others, that’s called your ministry.
- 5. Commit to sharing the good news. That’s called mission.
Let’s bow our heads. The fact is spiritual maturity is a choice. As Simon Guillebaude said a few weeks back, “ You are as close to God as you choose to be.” And one day you’re going to stand before God and give an account of your life and your choices and he’s going to ask, “Did you ever make these commitments? Did you ever fulfill the purposes I put you on earth to fulfill?”
So my question to you is what’s your next step? Do you need to invite Christ into your life? Do you need to be baptised? Get in a small group? Find a ministry? Why don’t you pray this prayer?
Dear God, I want to grow up spiritually. I don’t want to stay a spiritual baby anymore. So today, I’m choosing to make some serious commitments. First, I commit all of my life to you Jesus. I want to follow your purpose and plan, and I commit to publicly announcing my faith through baptism. And I want to commit to this church, and I want to get in a group and I want to grow and be the person you want me to be. I commit to the journey, and I want you to make your home in my heart. In your name I pray. Amen.